#274 October 1.
Nag nag nag
-a housewife
#275 October 2.
I've got nothing against life, I just feel that it's a shame that so much of it
is spent in a wake state.
#276 October 3.
Everything that doesn't kill you, just makes you weaker.
-Flemming Kaspersen
#277 October 4.
You want to climb
but when you try to climb
you see the ladder getting shorter
Yo want to drink
but when you try to drink
there's someone pissing in the water
-Chameleons
#278 October 5.
When the world is full of care
and every headline screams despair
when all is rape, starvation, war and life is vile
then there's a certain thing I do
which I shall pass along to you
that's always guaranteed to make me smile
I go loo-oo-oony as a light-bulb battered bug
simply loo-oo-oony, sometimes foam and chew the rug
Mister, life is swell
in a padded cell
it'll chase those blues away
you can trade your gloom
for a rubber room
and injections twice a day
-The Joker in "The Killing Joke" By Alan Moore and Brian Bolland, DC comics.
#279 October 6.
Ladies and gentlemen! You've read about it in the newspapers! Now, shudder as
you observe, before you very eyes, that most rare and tragic of natures
mistakes. I give you...The average man!
Physically unremarkable, it has instead a deformed set of values. Notice the
hideously bloated sense of humanity's importance. The club-footed social
conscience and the withered optimism. It's certainly not for the squemish is it?
Most repulsive of all, are its frail and useless notions of order and sanity. If
too much weight is placed upon them...They snap.
How does it live, I hear you ask? How does this poor, pathetic specimen survive
in today's harsh and irrational world? The sad answer is "not very well."
Faced with the inescapable fact that human existence is mad, random and
pointless, one in eight of them crack up and go stark slavering buggo!
Who can blame them? In a world as psychotic as this...any other response would
be crazy!
-The Joker in "The Killing Joke" By Alan Moore and Brian Bolland, DC comics.
#280 October 7.
When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy as a coot!
I admit it! Why can't you! I mean, you're not unintelligent! You must see the
reality of the situation.
Do you know how many times we've come close to world war three over a flock of
geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world war? An
argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed its war debt creditors!
Telegraph poles! Ha ha ha ha HA!
It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... It's all a
monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you
laughing?
-The Joker in "The Killing Joke" By Alan Moore and Brian Bolland, DC comics.
#281 October 8.
Naked and alone we come into exile. In her dark womb we did not know our
mother's face; from the prison of her flesh have we come into the unspeak- able
and incommunicable prison of this earth.
Which of us has known his brother? Which of us has looked into his
father's heart? Which of us has not remained forever prison-pent? Which of us
is not forever a stranger and alone?
And left alone to sleep in a sheltered room, with the thick sunlight
printed in bars on the floor, unfathomable loneliness and sadness crept through
him: he saw his life down the solemn vista of a forest aisle, and he knew he
would always be the sad one: caged in that little round of skull, imprisoned in
that beating and most secret heart, his life must always walk down lonely
passages. Lost. He understood that men were forever strangers to one another,
that no one ever comes really to know any one, that imprisoned in the dark womb
of our mother, we come to life without having seen her face, that we are given
to her arms a stranger, and that, caught in that insoluble prison of being, we
escape it never, no matter what arms may clasp us, what mouth may kiss us, what
heart may warm us. Never, never, never, never, never.
-Thomas Wolfe, "Look Homeward, Angel"
#282 October 9.
somebody shoot me, i'm in hell.
i figured out this feeling... i want to die, but i don't have the guts
to kill myself.
my life is hell, and getting worse. my body hates me. i can't find a
way out. i'm trapped in a desolate nothing. the pain fills my body
and mind.
slowly, everything around me is crumbling. all the anchors of anyone's
life are fading away. and i'm left alone, alone with this beast with
a keyboard and screen, this thing that's eating me alive.
i don't do anything, save for feed the beast. everyday, sending it line
after line of endless code, never quite reaching the end. the beast can
be satisfied, even with my soul.
i served the beast even when i was able to do other things, coming
back to it day after day, providing it's supper. and now i'm trapped,
unable to do anything else, my body failing me, not allowing me to
escape for any amount of time.
escape the beast while you still can, before it wisks you off to hell,
like me.
-jason downs
#283 October 10.
I have to call her, or decide that I won't, or else the meter will just
continue to roll over as every morning I tell myself "I will call before
I start working", and again lie in bed trying to remember what I would
say, and fall asleep. To decide that I won't call means admitting
failure, because if I were a suave dude, I'm pretty sure that the effort
involved, which for a suave dude would be minimal, would be a worthwhile
gamble.
"I should call her."
"I should try to do a good job of it. I don't want to look silly and I
also don't want to have to say afterwards that I just wanted to fail to
get it over with."
"But I'm not in the mood for it."
"Maybe I should give up."
-Dr. Footwear
#284 October 11.
If she says "fuck off" (or equivalent; I don't think I would care
whether the phrasing was polite or rude), I get freedom, relief,
increased productivity (at least for a while), one more failure, and
increased enthusiasm for hiding under rocks. And while there's nothing
crazy about hiding under rocks, it tends to drive you crazy[er] -- say,
76% insane, up from 75%.
If she says "okay", I get partial relief (because the second call is
easier than the first) until she eventually says "fuck off"; then I get
complete freedom. Afterwards I'd have an uncertain distribution of
marks between the "failure" and "success" sides, with the "failure" side
almost certainly getting the larger share. To be unfairly optimistic
about things, though, I'd call the experience a success overall if I
were to have even a single moment when I suspected I was enjoying myself
more than I would have if I had never heard of her.
If she isn't there, then it's like the "fuck off" case, but with no
freedom, no relief, decreased productivity, and no new "failure" mark.
I called. She wasn't there.
-Dr. Footwear
#285 October 12.
So I had a rough day. I mean a really rough day. I mean a fall down on
the bed and cry actual tears day. It was really stupid, too, 'cuz it was
all because of my computer. I bought a $50 game and a $30 joystick and
the damn joystick wouldn't work and my modem stopped working and it seemed
like everything was going wrong with my home PC and I was going crazy 'cuz
thousands of other people got to enjoy said computer game but me, no, me has
to suffer hundreds in hardware problems and go through hell, just to get
the damn game to run right. It can't be simple for me, oh no.
-Xibo
#286 October 13.
Nothing is ever simple for me, like, for example (surprise!) relationships.
Thousands of other guys have no problem, they hit on some babe, whammo, next
thing ya know they're screwin' the chick, and they repeat this thing all
they want, until they find some chick they actually like, aside from the
sex I mean, and they stick with her for a while.
But me? Oh, no. I don't get anything. Everything's a fuckin' major deal
for me, I have to go through hell to get a girlfriend.
Not like I don't deserve it. I work hard to be a beneficial member of society!
I do my job well, I get paid for it, I come home to a lonely quiet abode,
where the modem doesn't even work anymore.
-Xibo
#287 October 14.
anyway, frarority boys going around in their preppy little
sweatshirts, PKE, AKE, <some weird letter>X, <some fucked up
letter>AE, E<some stupid ass insanely crooked letter>N, nice brand
there fella! Is that so frarority gurlz know who not to screw? and
daintly little frarority girls in Barbiewear giggling and snorting,
inserting disks backwards and spreading all kinds of computer viruses,
then having the nerve to try and coach me thru the cleaning process
b*tch i've been doing this for 3 years!! I PROGRAM IN C FOR CRYING OUT
LOUD. I CAN WRITE A LINKED LIST FASTER THAN YOU CAN PULL DOWN YOUR
PANTS. don't try to school me! Tee hee hee, but my boyfriend said
LIKE I GIVE A RAT'S ASS WHAT YOUR MAN SAID. DO YOU WANT YOUR DISK
CLEANED OR NOT? oh oh i'm so happy, tee hee, all the guys love me, baw
haw, all the girls love me, we're all so happy, we weren't absent the
day god was teaching macking lessons, women don't like honesty they
like a man who goes out and plays them like 'tendo, is he hott? is he
buffed? does he have those sexy veins in his muscles that stick out?
well he's the man for me, even though even though he has the
personality of toothpaste water, because he didn't miss macking class,
and connecting with people class, and attracting women class GET IT
TOGETHER.
-Malcolm Moore
#288 October 15.
i'm a very suicidal individual by nature; it's almost like a control game
within my own mind. if i retaine the ability to end my own life, then at
least i have complete control over my life in the end.
recently, i began to develop a serious medical condition. one that if not
treated could be the first sign of an even more serious condition, and which
ocould lead to my death. being unemployeed, i have no money, and certainly
no medical insurance, so i cannot pursue the needed medical tests.
the fact that my life has fallen apart all the way to the point that i could
just simply drop dead has shaken me up a bit. i don't find myself as suicidal,
for reasons that i cannot fully understand.
-jason downs
#289 October 16.
The older I get, the more convinced I am that my life is being determined
by the Trickster of Sioux Indian lore. So many situations with the same
cycle: apathy -> hope -> excitement -> despair. It seems that every possibly
good situation coming my way collapses as soon as I invest any emotional
energy in it. I see limitless possibilities constantly arising, but as soon
as I reach out to grab ahold of one, it's inexplicably yanked from my grasp.
-Erik Radmall
#290 October 17.
The Sioux say the Trickster is smarter than any human. They say the Trickster
can't be defeated by the likes of a mere mortal. But I think that's exactly
my mission in life. To render him irrelevant and unimportant. I bet he's
just laughing as I write this. Patiently waiting for the just the right
moment to build up my confidence, to make me feel like I actually have some
control over my life, and then slam me face-first into the asphalt, laughing
all the while. Laughing at the petty emotions and the despair and suffering,
laughing at my foolish attempts to control my life, just waiting, picking his
moment. I think he must be a pretty sad god, though. I feel pity for his need
to put people through the wringer, to revel in schadenfreude. I think I
could do a much better job than him.
-Erik Radmall
#291 October 18.
Low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair
In short: last year sucked.
#292 October 19.
It's called regression to the mean. If you are so low that you can't go any
lower, there is nowhere to go but up and since you have no expectations,
something good is bound to happen. Why? Is it because this event is truly
good? I think not. It's only because anything will seem good to you after not
having anything. It's more likely that most events in life are just plain,
mundane, boring and completely meaningless but your point of view is what makes
them either good or bad. Okay, so you perceive that something good finally
happens so you begin to salivate, actually believing that this new good thing
will lead to something real. Wrong again. You know why? Regression to the
mean again. Now you're above that median point and what's going to happen?
There's nowhere to go but down. And is that because the event is truly bad?
Nah, it's average again. That's all.
So, I guess the solution is to not have any expectations whatsoever,
even keeping that in mind when something good happens. Yeah, what
a boring way to live... *sigh*
-Julie Fishtein
#293 October 20.
today i went to a job interview. oh, it wasn't much of a job, just part time
janitor work in university dorms, but it was something. in an area with 11%
unemployment, something is better than nothing. especially when you're up
to your neck in bills, with more on the way.
the interview went very well. i pulled it off as slick as can be; slick willie
himself would've been proud. that ol' Vas charm... the interviewer was
impressed. i thought i had the job in the bag.
she called me back at 4:15pm this afternoon. we're sorry, but we've decided
not except your application for employment, she said. i didn't bother asking
for a reason, and just said ok and hung up.
-jason downs
#294 October 21.
it is a seminal fact of my life that, no matter what i do, i'll never
be good enough for what i want.
i'm not good enough to have a boyfriend. i'm not good enough to have a
real job. i'm not good enough to be published. i'm not good enough to
have a life. so i don't even try anymore.
i've been walking around for a week now with an ache centered between
and just above my collarbones. when i look in the mirror i'm amazed
it's not visible, this lump. i feel it every time i swallow, every
time i start thinking too much, when i lie down to sleep at night and
when i wake up in terror at 4 am for no reason.
-sine
#295 October 22.
Usually if I happen to meet a guy who I find interesting enough nothing happens.
This guy nearly always either has a standard girlfriend or gets interested in a
standard type of girl. Or at least keeps glancing at my standard type female
friend. Don't I have every right to be bitter!
The way I dance in a club looks aggresive, but I also like to sit by a lake by
myself and listen to the sounds of nature. So what is the problem? Is there a
world somewhere for us non-standard people who'd rather be what we are than try
to please people? I'm so bitter....
-Tarja Oinonen
#296 October 23.
It's raining. Oh, what a metaphor.
-Flemming Kaspersen
#297 October 24.
Q: I'm a failure. Will telling about it get me on the alt.angst calendar?
A: Only if your failure can make a great number of people think about their own
life and despair.
#298 October 25.
things with the shelter providers were real horrendous, the weather was
horrible, i was sick, all that. i decided to post it because i felt like
i was faking you guys (not that any of you gives a shit, or that i give a
shit whether you give a shit or not). i felt that i was faking myself.
it's angst. deep, near suicidal angst and genuine pain but it's my angst
and my pain and i felt like sharing it with you. let me tell you, once i
wrote that i felt better. if i hadn't written what i have written in the
past few weeks, i think i would be dead by now.
-Malcolm Moore
#299 October 26.
i'm tired of faking
like i'm not unhappy
like i've gotten over it
like everything's okay
like i'm not the one who is crazy
she's gone back and is living happily ever after
smoking and drinking
buying nice things
fucking hundreds of guys
pretending like i don't exist
#300 October 27.
i'm tired of faking
like i'll find somebody else
if i can't get a shameless ho to be with me
how am i going to attract somebody respectful?
then i will have to hurt them
in one way or another
it can't be prevented
but i know i won't get anybody
because i ain't shit
ain't about shit
will never be about shit
the only reason she accepted me was
because she didn't have a choice
she never loved me
she never even liked me
that's why she won't call, write
#301 October 28.
she was on a field trip
but now she's back home with mommy and daddy
obviously living a wonderful life
they saved her again
she ran and didn't look back
which proves that
it was never anything in the first place
no love
i'll never be loved by anyone
not by my mother
not by my dead father
i'm such a disgrace
i'm going thru the same shit
i went thru years ago
#302 October 29.
i have no real friends
people in the lab just tolerate me
john don't like me
lord knows what his girlfriend thinks
i see them get all skittish around me
smiling nervously
cracking inane jokes
but they know
of course, they won't say
because i'm dangerous
everybody treats me with kid gloves
i just want to die
i just want to go find a rock
and crawl under it
and die
i'll never amount to anything
i'll never mean anything to anybody
i'll never attract anybody
i'll never be successful
she did a good thing
leaving me
she knew
#303 October 30.
she knew i wouldn't amount to shit
that's why she left
she's not crazy for leaving
i'm the one that's crazy
crazy for believing i was any different
and i'm sure she's not going to stop her black fetish
just give it time for her parents to cool off
bothering her for being with me
it was over when she tried to leave
the first time
those extra two months weren't even necessary
i'm having a chest pain now
good
maybe i will die in my sleep
then there won't be as much pain
#304 October 31.
i'm tired of living
because i'll never be happy again
because i'll never find anybody
because i can't attract anyone
because i'm ugly
and stupid
and slow
and dumb
and always in everybody's way
who wants that?
who wants a nobody?
that's what i am
i can't adapt
i don't know how
i'm antisocial
and rotten
and intense
not to mention stupid
worthless
boring
i don't dress right
i don't act right
i'm just completely wrong