The Dieter's Guide To Weight Loss During Sex

 ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED      ACTIVITY     CALORIES BURNED

   REMOVING CLOTHES:                 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:

   With partner's consent.....12       Shoes flew off...............35

   Without partner's consent.187     Expression didn't change....1/2

                                                Orchestra swelled.............6

   UNHOOKING BRA:                      Birds sang

   Using two calm hands........7       Large birds..................7

   Using one trembling hand...36      Small birds..................3

                                                Earth moved..................30



   Lifting partner............15          PULLING OUT:

   Dragging partner on floor..16     After orgasm................1/2

   Using skateboard............3       A few moments before orgasm.500



   ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:              PENIS ENVY:

   For normal healthy man....2.5     For woman.....................3

   Losing erection............14         For men......................72

   Searching for it..........115

                                                GUILT:

   PUTTING ON CONDOM:                Despite no formal training,

   With erection.............1.5           orgasm comes easily..........53

   Without erection..........300         You're enjoying sex,despite the

                                                 fact that other people are

   INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:              starving......................2

   If the woman who does it is         Sex on your lunch hour........3

   Experienced.................6            Putting it on expense account..20

   Inexperienced..............73                                  

   If a man does it..........680           AGGRAVATION:

   Add (5) calories for retrieving        Partner keeps showing plants..5

   it from across the room.               Partner insists on cuddling the

                                                  dog during foreplay..........14



   ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:         Partner visiting bathroom for

   Italian- Man on top,woman in          7th time.....................10

   kitchen....................26                Partner taking phone calls....7

   Russian- Woman on bottom,           Partner making phone calls...40

   Man getting permission.....55

   American- Both on top......60         GETTING CAUGHT:

                                                    By partner's spouse..........60

   SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE:         By your spouse..............100

   Bouncing....................7               Trying to explain............55

   Sliding around..............9              Trying to remain calm.......100

   Serious skidding...........12             Leaping out of bed...........75

   Whiplash...................27              Getting dressed in one motion..500

                                                   Thanking partner quickly......2

   ORGASM:

   Real.......................27

   Faked.....................160